I am reposting my previous post about my recovery from cocaine addiction in a much easier to read format. I wrote this on the two year anniversary (approximately) of my last night of using. I post this with the hope that you will read it and that it may be of benefit or perhaps clarity. Regardless, one more story of recovery post online for whatever a post online may be, or what may be of a post online, is never a bad thing…so I thank you and wish you well whoever you are.
I’ll do better next time. That was what I told myself over and over for years. There were times it did not matter, when I did not have that intention, either way it took me being on the edge of either death or probably unrecoverable financially to do better. I was addicted to cocaine, I used for about eight years. It started out as a very small amount one night having drinks with a friend. It felt good, it was not out of control, we had fun talking, I felt energized and clear, and combined with the effects of some beer to loosen me up it was enjoyable. It didn’t seem like a problem, I didn’t wake up the next day with regrets as I had previously from just drinking. I have a history of getting carried away with alcohol to say the least. Not violent, not exactly belligerent, but incredibly stupid and certainly shamed my self and no doubt others repeatedly with my drinking and behavior, those are other stories. After that night with my friend another night came and I did a little more. It turned into every Friday night for awhile, then Saturday too. I made some connections and was able to get it directly myself, they delivered. I would use and drink without my friend if she had other plans. It became not just weekends but also a few times in the week as well. I had a job, I would use and drink on weekdays, and after that without sleep I would go to work, it did not go well.
I was hooked and out of control. For reasons not related, but in part related, I left the job I had. I was fortunate they did not fire me due to poor performance and sick time I took. I was fortunate to get a benefits package from my employment, I went down in income but not much. I continued to use. I got in debt with the dealers, I would front, basically all but my rent money was owed to them every month, it was a cycle that lasted years. The way I was affected by cocaine changed, I would have difficulty breathing, heart issues also. It was progressive overall but also in each session of using and drinking. So many times I couldn’t even guess by the end of the night, it was usually really morning, I would be laying in bed, struggling to breathe, my heart racing, insane and paranoid thoughts in my mind. There was more to it than I can or want to explain. What I associated with pleasure was in fact ultimately something that everytime ended up being hell. The details of just how much I screwed myself up and the things I experienced that were nothing but insanity are to numerous to tell.
It went on for years, until Christmas time of 2018. I was on a streak of using and drinking. I blew my money as usual and had no real gifts for the people I cared about, if any they were not much. I had previously had many issues with paying bills and rent on time. It was Christmas and I went to that same friends place. She was several years clean at that point. I used Christmas Eve and I was tempted to not go to dinner, to just stay home and just use. I was already at the point of spending my rent money. I watched movies on DVD when I used, I was repeatedly watching one called FUBAR 2, it’s kind of a Christmas movie, I identified with the main character in a way, he was on a path of self destruction, I was too. I went to that Christmas dinner, it was nice. I could not get ahold of my dealer that night, he was not the same as the ones I dealt with in the past that I was in a debt cycle with, he was a family man and obviously busy with his family. The next day I did get ahold of him, I had been thinking for maybe a week to get an eight ball, three and a half grams. Normally I would use one and a half grams preferably. Whether that amount would have actually killed me, I don’t know, likely I think not, I had a tolerance, but I did not care and a strong part of me wanted to die, I also did not want to stop using. Boxing day I got a normal amount. It was a night like all the others but I was certainly worse, the condition I was in was horrible, worse than I had ever been, arguably. That night I heard a voice of someone I knew a long time ago say “it’s over.” The next day I woke up, I had four hundred dollars left, my rent was eight hundred and fifty. For clarity maybe not needed I should state there may have been one more night of using after boxing day, but I don’t think so. Regardless, as everytime I woke up after a night like that I was hungover and wanted to relieve how I felt, I made a call, he did not answer. I thought about what was happening, where I was going was very clear to me, my surviving did not seem likely nor was I necessarily wanting that, I did not feel like I had a reason to. If I lived, likely I would end up homeless, I had narrowly avoided that before. I knew if I did as I always did or as I was intending it was going to be it, no coming back. I was certain of that despite having survived many close calls with overdosing as well as financial issues. The night passed, I paid the four hundred towards rent, my landlord was kind enough to grant me an extension, again.
I have been free of cocaine since then, I have had some drinks, even recklessly a few times, but I don’t really want to anymore so have not in some time. I do smoke pot, it is of course not for everyone, but it is a very different thing and I find it beneficial, this I will not get into here, not an endorsement, just being honest. I now have all my needs taken care of, I eat well, rent and bills get paid, and I have things I want. I am by far healthier in mind and body. I don’t know why but I did not struggle as I had other times I tried to quit, it just left me, the uncontrollable urge. I have no doubt I would not have come back, the path I was on was at an end one way or another. Fortunately I went another way, unfortunately it was not until what may have been the last minute or day. Human beings can be like that, I learned the hardest way possible in the situation I was in, but I learned.
Addiction as was my experience destroys a persons ability to make what would seem sane choices, it took a great deal of suffering for me to choose something different. I am very lucky, but it was more than luck, and certainly beyond who and what I was. Regardless of what may be or anyone may view me as, I am happy with who I am and how I am doing in life now. I know myself, I think quite well, I did not before. It’s humbling to think of how I was, the choices I was making, how I was living just two (five) years ago, to basically the day I am writing this. I could not choose to go back as a human being like that. I have moved forward and will continue to. Life is not easy despite my progress and the things I have learned. There are things I deal with that are difficult unrelated to substances. Not to mention what is happening in the World in 2020, however you look at it. Nonetheless I have become a stronger, more stable and I would like to think wiser person.
Whatever may be, I made the right choice two (five) years ago, and I am continuing to make and get better at making choices that are good for me. I am a better person for where I was because I learned and so grew, evolved. I know better now, I have lived and seen my dark side for what it is and so I am not my worst enemy anymore. I learned if you can change yourself, not externally but internally you will change your reality (maybe others too). Also everything happens for a reason, whether you like (know) it or not.